Let’s do a bit of math. According to the Center for Disease Control, the average life expectancy for a US citizen is 77.7 years. Multiple that by 365 days per year, and add a day for each leap year in between. After rounding up, we end up at 28,380 days as the average human life span. Based on that, we spend:
-8278 days asleep, assuming we sleep 7 hours a night.
-2365 days in REM sleep, dreaming.
-1656 days blinking.
-1642 days swallowing.
(The previous 2 items, you are now doing manually.)
I need a new job. My new store manager is convinced that I am a child because I have never been in the military and I am not single-handedly saving my department for the same amount of pay and no appreciation. I have the same upward mobility of a Down’s Syndrome kid in an AP Macrobiology class. Due to the proximity of the Research Triangle, I’d really like to get a job as a pharmacy technician or something. We’ll see, but thanks to this week, I’m most certainly searching for new employment.
Mandatory lyrics below.
“These hippies are holier than thou at poorly attended peace marches holding cold veggie dogs
I’m not your homie or pen pal though I unload ink cartridges as Red State demigods
Cause smearing a salad on a SUV can’t
Save the black faces at the refugee camp
There is your sterling Sputnik
To compliment your unfurling drug fix
You’ve been hoodwinked the secret brotherhood winks as your heroes push it with a
Branded buttocks
Now he’s an action-pose doll
Clad in the latest fashion faux-pas
Just another rapping know-it-all trying to de-politicize those big business ties
Let me guess, you’re a macrobiotic cuisine prep-cook
With a text book liberal outlook in an oppressed nook
Couch surfing, but your dads got employment history at Halliburton
While you dress like wild mermen…
‘Cause recreational paranoia
Is the sport of now, so
Kill your employer…
‘Cause recreational paranoia
Is the sport of now, so
Kill your employer…
Riddled with neo-expressionism omitted words and arty erasure
You pass out your Green Party favor
Smoking on cush-hash algae at the Bush-bash rally
Mocking army brigade verve
Bar-b-qing sorts of meat substitutes
Arguing at your bleak study group
Shunning pop art in your turtle-neck
Shopping carts with turbo jets
Write Red Cross personal checks
Yet no relief monies are en route
You exchange wistful ki-bi-bos while they prep the missile silos
And I’ll fortify the Left’s patron saint
With anti-war cries and face paint
When the GOP appoints a man in tights to read protestors their Miranda rights
This is an anger pact, a teen scratch post
That boast a paperback zine pathos
Unsheathe the saber says thee blasphemers acting coach
And torment the Scientologist at the Cineplex
They are bonafide clansmen in dinner dress
Giving your art loft undertows the thumb and nose
‘Cause recreational paranoia
Is the sport of now, so
Kill your employer…
‘Cause recreational paranoia
Is the sport of now, so
Kill your employer…
I don’t join the ranks of ordinary men, uh-huh
I burn flags not oil reserves, uh-huh
I’m no ex-football player Iraqi combatant, uh-huh
Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to, uh-huh
I don’t join the ranks of ordinary men, uh-huh
I burn flags not oil reserves, uh-huh
I’m no ex-football player Iraqi combatant, uh-huh
Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to, uh-huh
It’s me fucker, uh-huh
It’s me…”
